Selfish As a Sacred and Powerful Word
Reclaiming the language of self-commitment, surrender, and trust.
The word selfish has been mutated to embody our deepest fears in regards to our own power. When we are urged to become selfless, we are also asked to forget that the longest relationship we will have in life is with the Self. What if we began to take full responsibility for every choice we make in our lives, especially our relationship to our Self?
In order to be selfish, we must start by knowing ourselves. This act of kindness towards the Self can, and must begin in small, consistent ways. Over time, they will become the habits that forge the pathways of connection to ourselves, and to the world around us. Dare to ask yourself what you need, and what truly brings you happiness, and do more of it. Do it often. Then share it.
It was during a three-month, solo trip to India that my understanding of the word selfish became completely deconstructed. While deeply immersed in my yoga teacher training, our instructor brought up the idea of selfish in a vastly different light. In many ways, he was living up to the term guru: one who dispels darkness. He did this on a very human level. He explained that one can’t be selfish without first knowing the Self.
Yoga comes from the word yog, which means to unite. Our breath is the connecting thread. We are brought back to ourselves through the breath as it unites the heart, mind, and body. We are reminded that we are part of the whole, and therefore anything done with care for the Self also benefits the greater good.
My entire view of the world began to change. I started to look at Earth as a living organism. I realized that I am a living, breathing part of this stellar organism. I am one tiny cell in the great scheme of things. If I am thriving, I will positively affect the cells around me. If I am unwell, I will negatively impact the cells around me. It is within my interest, as well as the interest of the entire organism, that I thrive.
This is what selfish could look like. Instead, families, friends, jobs, and religions demand we give to others with abandon. There is an African proverb that reverberates in my mind and it says: “Be careful of a naked person who offers you their shirt.” We simply can’t give what we do not have. Give to the point of exhausting, and beneath that will stir a deep sense inner lack and resentment. We can’t offer to others what we do not first cultivate on behalf of ourselves.
A dear friend taught me the importance of understanding individual capacity. He also taught me to observe my own capacity, when and if, I had given beyond it. He witnessed my inborn want, and need to give. What he saw in me was someone who was continuously depleting themselves for the sake of others. This lesson became one that was brought back to me under many different guises. They all urged a need for a deep, inner change. A devotional calling to engage with every part of my Self.
I had to work backward. I had to learn how to become selfish. It started in small ways, and the process continues to grow steadily. It doesn’t imply that I lack care, or compassion for others, quite the opposite. It simply means that each day, I make conscious choices, to begin with myself. I then expand that care outwardly towards others. I can give more because I have the steady inner reserves from which to draw from. As someone whose nature is to give, I am learning to accept, and also to ask for help. These are two lessons that I have not yet mastered. However, instead of giving up, I am giving in. I am surrendering.
Another dear friend explained this role reversal in a pivotal way. He asked me to focus on how wonderful I feel when I give to others. How alight and expansive my heart feels when I can be of help. Then he told me that I am depriving every person I love of this feeling because I am not allowing them the same blissful experience of giving to me. I finally understood how out of balance my relationship with giving and taking had been.
I have never been the same. I was able to receive his advice and to allow that knowledge to actively change me. I was able to do this because, on a very deep level, I know this to be the truth. My love had to turn inward. In situations when I was tempted to give beyond my capacity, I practiced saying no. When I do say yes, it is heartfelt and my actions are able to equal my intent. I learned to heed internal warnings when I began to feel depleted so that I could pull back and care for myself.
It began simply with waking up, writing, and flowing through my yoga practice. Precious time alone that I consciously created, and vowed to continue honouring. I have always felt more at ease opening up to the day after I felt my way through my thoughts and body. I was giving myself the time to connect with my heart and my thoughts in an honest and interrupted way. I learned to listen to my body, and what it needed in that moment. I began to accept that each day was different. I was different and the opportunity to meet myself each day as as I am is such a gift. I cherish coming to my morning rituals with a beginner’s mind. Curiously eager to witness what parts of me are rising to meet me.
We are ever-evolving, adapting and in a state of continual change. We are experiencing this on a molecular level every day. Yet, our egos fear change. They will do just about anything to avoid it. Change seems like death to the ego. Having daily rituals allows us to release and ease into the changes that we will indeed be asked to face. This fine line of stability is woven through our inborn need to grow, and expand beyond what is comfortable. We need to become uncomfortable in our comfortable states so that we remain open to becoming.
I have become stronger, happier, kinder, and capable of giving more to others when they need me. I can only do this because I feel steady and nourished from within. If we want to offer love, compassion, empathy, and understanding, we must begin with ourselves. This “selfish” act will, in time, become a sacred and vital part of us. We are each deserving of our own steadfast devotion.
